maybe

maybe i just need you a little bit more
than either one of us ever noticed before

it's a lot to think about, when you think about it.

we've all gone on pause.

what the fuck is going on?

heaven knows, i've been around and around.

i can't sit here, waiting to see what is going to happen nex†.
i want a cheesy happy ending.
traditional.
standard.
pocketsized.

just like a real book.
and nothing can stop me.
except me.
because on the other hand.

i want a life.
that may or may not be worth living.
the subtle shadow of the frog
just waiting to be changed into a prince.
the magical woodland
that holds broken dreams

which is better?
to dream?
or to have your dreams come true?


for some reason, i suspect dreaming.



that's my personality type: dreamer.

remember?
dreamers
popsicles
sheltereds
and realists

i cannot be a realist
i am it's polar opposite.
but,
if i stop dreaming
on account of everything coming all together,
how could i not end up a popsicle or a sheltered?


can someone change personalities?
and if they can,
can they also stop it?


i don't wanna loose my depth.
i always want to keep dreaming.


but how?

my roof has become furnished.
hell, it even has a roof now....

no one is above me.
but i've built a shelter.

is that selfish?
or is it love that wants me to shelter those i care about, those who come and visit me?

i have no idea.



Kayla would say, it's fine.
Matt would say, it's great.
Becca would say, it's fine.

Jeremy....wouldn't like it.


And that's why I'm all over him right now.

I want somebody to remind me of the person that i really am.
as opposed to the person i think i'm becoming <3.

fml

can a dreamer ever stop dreaming?
and if they have their dreams come true, how unsatisfied would they be?

then what would they dream of?
emptiness?

wow.

sometimes i think my heart is broken

it keeps telling me things i already know.
it keeps telling me to follow my head.

like, what the fuck?

do i keep following my heart even though i think it's broken? or do i need to call the ambulance and go under for awhile?


oh well.
it probably isn't broken.


the heart is just unexpected.

i guess this is who i am. :/



interesting...

even though whenever i hear the word "interesting", i automatically think "boring".



this is the start of a new day for me.
literally.
i haven't had breakfast yet.


i will follow my heart and try not to get scared.
i promise.

love is forever <3

self indulgence

*EDIT* I love you, Matt. <3 More than words could ever say.

she's in love with the boy.

it's 11:20 pm and I'm wishing I wasn't a university student. Seriously, what are university educations good for?

Probably just losing your highschool boyfriend.

I would do anything not to lose him. but, I'm not so sure that he's as determined as I am to keep together. I mean, I know he loves me. But, he has a mind like a siv. In one ear, out the other.

I'm scared I'll slip right through his mind.
Right through his thoughts.
Right through his heart. <3

Are my words even my own?

Ever felt as though you've already won, even though you've just begun ? Ever felt that love wasn't yours for the taking, but yours for the loosing? Ever felt that you were just one heartbeat away from stopping all together? Even felt like in a matter of minutes, all of your stars would just start falling?

I've seen three shooting stars in this past week.
Three in the entire summer.

The last time, I was with some of my best friends. The four of us looked up, saw our dreams fall and desperately made a wish.

Why else would wishes be made except to salvage what is enevitibly about to be lost?Maybe to protect yourself against what will never be?

What do I want? I want you.

Forever.

What do you want?

A forever to want.

That's why I want you to pick mine. A forever with me.
An eternity of shooting stars.


ON A SEPERATE NOTE:

I HATE my fucking mother.
All that she ever does is whine and nag about how terrible she thinks her life is.
She also actually does nothing for me. For all of her whining, I don't know what she is complaining about.

Not to say I don't see that she has problems. I do. But, I am not one of them.

I wasn't one yesterday. I wasn't one the time she bit my face. I wasn't one the time that she told me she liked my sister better than me.

And I'm not one today.

So here's a message for the retard:

MOTHER (and yes that is what I would prefer to call you, considering I am not a baby anymore and I do not enjoy using the word "mommy", and the word "mom" seems to belong to every female parent on the planet).

Fuck you.

Yes, daddy should talk to you more. But don't bug me about it. Talk to him.
Yes, your life sucks ass. But it isn't my fault. It's yours. If you don't like the stuff that you are doing, STOP. HAve a little fun. Focus on rekindeling the love you once had with my father. Take up yoga. I DONT GIVE A SHIT.

Just give me my space.

Yeah, I have plenty of advice. Yeah, I could probably help you. But. you don't want my help. Not really.

You just want somebody to do the dishes for you.

So, fuck you.

Don't ask for my help if what you want is my hand.


...same goes for anybody else who pisses me off.

I WILL NOT BE JUDGED BY WHAT FAVOURS I DO OR DONT DO FOR A PERSON. I DO NOT OWE ANY OF YOU ANYTHING. AND IF YOU THINK THAT I DO, THAT JUST MEANS THAT ANYTHING NICE YOU'VE EVER DONE FOR ME HASN'T BEEN UNCONDITIONAL - HASNT COME FROM YOUR HEART.


---


I don't have to do what any of you do. As a matter of fact, I'm better off not being like any of you.

The Red Elephant

I used to have a stuffed red elephant. You gave her to me. Red. Small. Cute.
Then, I lost her.


Story of my life.