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it's true; it's all been done before. but never by me. new beginnings, getting tricked, getting treats, interruptions, long scilences and pain. plus joy. that seems like life to me. beginnings getting ruined by endings and mediocre middle filling. tricks that turn out to just be april fools jokes. treats that make you fat, ugly and zitty. interruptions that bring upon more important matters and scilences that speak louder than screams. pain that's enjoyed and joy that wavers. promises broken and the broken fixed. i really don't get it. and i can't change it. any of it. and it isn't up to me to. i can just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. which will probably lead to me leaning too far back, falling over and breaking every bone in my body. but then again, maybe not. who am i to tell? i can't keep trying to keep control. it won't work. standing ridged won't get me anywhere. and eventually i'll end up collapsing from the effort, my knees giving way to my backside's home; the bottom. becides, these days, people can mend broken bones. can i tell you a secret? mine are shattered.

how.

HOW DID IT ALL END?! we were just starting. and it was real. and i knew it. it was actually REAL. none of this hidden agenda shit. and we were gunna be best friends forever. and then you FUCKING LEFT. and i want to cry. you were the BEST thing that ever happened to me. so now all i can do is get used by some guy who i just met under a week ago, but already wants to sleep with me. because i'm not going to break down. and becides, ive got no one else. i call your house tonight and theres no answer and i want to EXPLODE. last night i sat with you in the rain. how in HELL did you do that, then forget. remember? oh yeah of course you do. now it's time to forget. forget about love. forget about what you deserve. forget who you are. because YOU DONT WANT IT. you don't want to be eRIC -. you want to be e r i c -. spaced out and meaningless. YOU MENT THE WORLD TO ME YOU IDIOT. now you mean emptiness and depression and confusion. if WE can't even be friends, what do i live for? you were great. if even the tallest tower can get knocked down, why build it? why even get up in the morning?

i'm so lost without you. and without her.

o god.

and by the way, i'm not your pet.

i'm so brilliant it's blinding. so you close your eyes to all i expose. the truths about how it is and how it always will be. you claim that i'm like everyone else. you say i'm in the dark and that i need you. in actual fact, you're the one in the dark buddy. by your own ignorance. i'm not joking. and i wish you would open your eyes to see what i'm trying to show you. but you say you won't open your eyes unless i stop shining. so my brilliance is downplayed so that you might open your eyes and see. after all that you claim victory, perhaps rightly. "See?" you exclaim "I told you you weren't that bright." fucking idiot. but i stay anyway. i've got nowhere else to go. maybe eventually you'll notice it all.

or not.

either way, i know what i deserve.