in corners of your mind
smelling dried out seeweed
and cracking pearls
the sweetest ocean i could find

was always there
and plus i loved you
always there
and you loved me
and more than that i loved you back

in the pits of my tide
on the black of hungry waves
the foamy heaps are made of junk
piled up high so you can ride

you were always there
and plus i loved you
always there
and you loved me
and more than that i loved you back

jump into my arms of see. spend your moments here with me. please don't go.

you weere always there
and plus i loved you
always there
and you loved me
and more than that i loved you back

the other way.

i'd do anything for the colour blue. instead of just plain grey. anything to feel your lips on my skin. instead of just his. anything for skies instead of oceans. oceans that i can drown in. i don't want to drown. i want to fly. for me, it's more than just skinking or swimming. it's actually getting somewhere. getting higher. looking at everyone from the best possible point of view so that you can really see them. i want to see every hair on your head and count your steps. not your steps away from me until you are gone. the steps in any direction. into the horizon and beyond. because i always want to be able to see you. that's what facebook is for, i guess. no matter how lost someone is, you can find them online. here, our fantasy personas all intertwine. and we can be together again. but never in person. i'm too high and you're too low. or wait. it's the other way around.

i am going to.

i am going to practise pure honesty. and not the detailled and carefully calculated honesty, but the honesty that makes no sense.
because that is what i might be missing. maybe. maybe i should talk to him again. tell him i love him. maybe. maybe i should tell the other him to get lost. maybe. maybe i should ditch her. maybe it's time for me to be a bit more open.or maybe not. maybe this needs to be perfectly controlled. maybe i can't talk to him or i'll enable his drug abuse. maybe i need him #2 and her. maybe i've got nothing else. honestly? i love eric. and nothing else matters to me. but, he's gone. and i can't stand it. i love him so much. what do you do when you've lost your favourite person? when i think of who i am, i think of him. i mean, i could try and discover different parts of myself, but the fact remains that at this point in time he is what i care about. unfortunately, in order to care about him i can't talk to him. or else he'll get the wrong idea. or maybe he won't. and maybe it wouldn't make a difference anyway. maybe he's screwed no matter what and what would matter would be that we would finally get to be together. i'm getting scared now though. that's for sure. at this point, he still cares to see me. what happens if that changes? i mean, i can't let him go. everyone says i should just stop worrying about him. but, i don't see why. i am genuinely worried, as i should be. people say i'm more than who i love. that i need to discover myself. but, i know for a fact that i am the person who loves eric. what i don't know is what i should do about that.

and i can't believe i wasted an entire year on a guy who didn't like me in the first place. do i really want to be that same girl to him? and to everyone else? or is it time to be more open? even when it comes to drug abusers?

never again

maybe my new years resolution should be to never again fein a feeling. he never liked me. he never fucking liked me. the entire 10 months we dated. even though he said he did. him#2 loved me. the entire year we were best friends. and he told me. but he would have never dated me. and the first him? i liked him enough to not want to loose him. but all the while i really loved the second him. i'm an idiot. i should have been more honest. i should have taken more chances. now? i'm in pretty much the exact same spot. him #1 says that this year is different than last. he says he actually likes me this time. but, i see no reason for that. if he didn't like me then but said he did, that's probably the case now. why would he not like me and then change his mind? i'm not any different. now, the second him still loves me. but, we can't be together because he does drugs. we aren't best friends anymore, but he still says i'm the best friend he's ever had. in a nutshell, the love is there but he can't be. just like before. and me? i pretend to love the him #1 so as not to be alone. but i really love the him #2. yet i can't have him.

what a screwed up love triangle.

i just want eric back.

blind fear.

tasting eucalyptus leaves
leaving koala bears hungry
and angry because you called them bare.

smelling four leafed clovers
but picking off the last leaf
before the other clovers hear that you called them naked.

touching a royal feeling frog
but never puckering up
he's probably happier as a toad anyway.

ugh

there he were
pulsing coloured lights
moments red
inside her head

she's feeling green
coloured too
feeling green
but looking blue
cuz she can't see you

there she goes
spinnin' around
trying to find some guy
all i do is wonder why

she's feeling green
coloured too
feeling green
but looking blue
cuz she can't touch you

don't give up
don't give up on the good side
cuz it's all that we got left
right?

she's feeling green
coloured too
feeling green
but looking blue
cuz she can't be you
anymore

whipping boy

start time: after 7:30

i remember when writing it all down satisfied me. now it can't. nothing will ever satisfy me. especially not myself. i hate being alone. i want to write that in caps lock and print out copies for the entire world to hang up on their walls. i wish it was that i just missed you. i wish that there was a specific "you". but there isn't. and also, this thing is so public. which isn't so bad since it is just a reflection of the fact that i want someone to hear me. i don't even care who they are. and i don't even have anything to say. actually, i do. i have a billion hours worth of stuff to say. as a matter of fact, i plan on writing for three hours straight. i'll just go and go and go. then he'll call me. i just don't know what to do with myself. maybe i need to see my shrink. ha. now anyone reading this is going to think i am insane or something. well, i'm not. i see a psychologist because i literally don't know what to do with myself. i mean, i don't have any seveare problems. i mean, they are very real to me, but i know i'm fairly well off when it comes to issues. i don't have many. my parents are still together. no one in my family does drugs or drinks accessively. i've never been sexually abused. and anything else that i actually do have to talk about is private and therefore i can't talk about it. but, in a soft way of saying it, i suppose my main problem is the fact that i used to think my mother hated me. and my dad works a lot and is hardly ever home. i spent most of my childhood trying desperately to please my mother. and now i'm going on a long speil trying to explain my codependant feeling. i just don't know what to do becides obsess over my relationships with other people. and it doesnt work. it doesn't make a difference. but i dont care. i just dont want to be alone. today, i begged him to touch me. he wouldn't, because he knew i didn't really want it. i didn't.but i don't want to lose him. i already have lost him. actually, he was never mine. he doesn't love me. i don't even know if i love him. but i don't want him going anywhere. and on top of it all, im being melodramatic. because i know that tomorrow i'll wake up and everything will be exactly the same as it is today. help. i need somebody. help.

i wanna hold your hand.

it's about you.

i'm just honestly incrediably desperate. for anyone, anything, just something. some sort of surprise. and a good one. not the oh-by-the-way-you-just-stepped-in-dog-doo kind of surprise. but i never get the good kind. because the good stuff takes so damn long i don't even notice it until it's gone. and i don't care. ugh. ugh ugh! i miss you. i miss capitals, exclaimations and the way you'd promise. remeber how we were going to be best friends forever? well, it didn't happen. but, that's nothing. literally. it didn't happen. nothing happened. and that was the biggest tradegy of the whole thing. a nothing, empty loss. you are gone. non-existant. capiche. you didn't leave. you just didn't stay. and you weren't the first. i'm not even exactly mourning the loss of you. i didn't loose you. i just don't have you around anymore. i would do anything for someone. and i mean, it's not like i don't already have some people. i do. i just feel so empty. always. i am nothing.

i am:























































end time: three hours later. i'm sorry. i couldn't wait that long. i just have so much nothing to do. because there's nothing i'll ever be able to do. about anything.

the reason it was real

the reason it was real was that neither one of us had to try. i loved you the second i saw you. even though i didn't know it at the time. you loved me back. it was just that way. and even now that we don't speak, the stars dictate the truth. it's no question. with you it's never a question. you met me. you liked me. you loved me. you can't anymore. the only question is what will be. but even that is hardly a question since when the time comes, i'll find out. with most other people, it isn't like that. with most other people, it's a continuous question. take him for example. i met him. i liked him. he liked me. i said i loved him. he said he loved me. later he took it back. i was left wondering if it was possible to love someone who doesn't really love you. then he ignored me all summer. and i was left to struggle between my own loyalty to him and the reality that he obviously wasn't all that loyal to me. never knowing what to do or say, or think or feel. with you, it wasn't like that. i just told you and you told me. we just WERE. and that's what love is. i don't care that we were only friends, or that we never got physical beyond that one kiss. or the time i got those bruises. or the time i touched your scars and we practically held hands. it was love, regardless of wether or not it was romantic love. i'm not sure what it would be called exactly, the way i felt about you and the way you felt about me, but i do know one thing. i never wondered what you felt. i'd ask you repeatedly if you "liked" me. everytime you would say no. but, i never felt rejected. because i wasn't asking to hear a "yes". i was asking to tell you "yes", just in case you didn't already know. i know you loved me. you told me you did. you spent every second with me. there was no question. so, that's love. when there's no question. but what if there IS a question? i firmly believe that you were special. i was exceedingly lucky to find a friend like you, and i doubt i ever will again. that being said, what am i supposed to do with myself? i can't live alone. i'm going to have to settle for someone. so, i guess what i'm looking for is answers to the questions i ask him. but, it's slightly depressing since i can't make him answer. and he isn't like you. i don't think he wants to tell me. but i need him to. or, not him specifically. i want someone special. like you were. except, in a different way. and i don't see anyone like that coming. right now, my life is one big giant question. and anyone who has the answer won't tell me and everyone else is just totally confused as to what i'm talking about. and even then. even if i were to obtain all of the answers, what then? i guess i'd start questioning myself. look into myself to discover my own personal intrests. or,not. or i could create questions. i could make up things to ask you. i guess that's why i kissed you. right now, i'm just not in the place to answer my own questions. i can only ask. i can't fend for myself. so, if real love is one without questions, i'm assuming we weren't exactly at the top ourselves. but, we were close. i never questioned you. i just questioned me. you never questioned me either. then you started doing drugs. clearly you weren't happy with yourself. and so, we parted. so, i guess we were 50% real. passably real. i was real in you and you were real in me. you still are real in me. i still am real in you. but, in order for us to be 100% real with each other, we'd have to be real alone first. i don't know how to be. and even if i do figure it out, i'll still be at 50%. because you are gone off doing drugs, and i don't know anyone else i love as much as i love you. at least, i'm not sure if i love them as much. i'm still in the process of questioning.

she say

i forget when lies sounded like the truth
i know the way things get put down
i feel the wave up in my skin
rip my feelings, feed that bin to

taste the colour
feel the magic
end tomorrow
start today
and she say

i don't know how long it's been
and i don't know how long it'd be
feel the pressure, taste the burn
long lasting lovers never learn to

taste the colour
feel the magic
end tomorrow
start today
and she say

let it over
feel the fire
breath it in

taste the colour
feel the magic
end tomorrow
start today
and she say
so i say