feelings

nothing appeals to me more than the idea of a message in a bottle. or a song. or a whisper. anything where something real is poured out into the world for everyone to hear and understand. unereasable. like "i love you"s. like stories. memories. things that can't leave. because when it comes right down to it, life is scary. nothing stays. even writing that sounds cheap. because the words "nothing stays" has become permanent. forever out in the open as soon as they were typed. but think about it. think of people you've lost. people whose hands you thought you could hold until forever ended. guess what? you could. and you did. it's just that forever never started because forever never existed. but if it could, your hand and theirs would have stayed put. there's only now. and that's scary. people take pictures, dance, write, read, anything to pass the time so they feel like time can pass. but time can't pass. time just is. time just sits. and waits. for forever. but that's useless. there's only this. there's only tonight. until tomorrow. because of course tonight isn't forever.

hello to all the moments that i think have passed, but really havn't even started. nothing can end if nothing stays.

fear.

too much.

it's funny how stale the world can get. like bread, unused and fed to birds from hands of beautiful boys who are about to do drugs and ruin their lives. his and hers. because together they are nothing and apart they are less. half. less. personless. and then they become mold. growing on the edges of stories given away to monstrous crows disguized a chickadees. in a snow white forest where i dead body was once taken. a body who had been so badly treated, one dares not say whom. but that doesn't even capture their attention. they just keep feeding the birds, competing for more numbers. until the boy is empty, eats all the bread then gets eaten by the crow. and girl sits at home, because the birds are full and waits for summer. because maybe by then they'll be hungry again. or at least the memories will come back. memories like stories. about girl. boy. bird. winter. heart shaped candies with fortunes telling you that "yes!" is the only answer and that "U-R TOO cute" or "too much". too much for what? too much to stop feeding on bread and start something sweeter? too much to taste compliments melt into rolls of hatred and dispair?

i am too much.

your eyes

slavery was abolished ages ago, but that doesnt stop my skin from burning. colour pours from my heart, mind and soul. while you laugh. i'm chained to your command and you are too pale to do anything about it. all because i'm worthless to your eyes. this is of course, ironic. and fine. because pretty soon an entire month will be mine, i'll have my won history, and who knows? maybe even become a rap star. don't worry. i'll autograph you a copy of my so=called-art.

here

Soemtimes he tells her stories
Plays princess when she wants him to
He fingerpaints her with his hands
He's what you'd call a real man.

So here I am
here I am to stay
And there you go
Please don't go away
cuz here i am.

Stories don't always make sense but
She always liked to see him try
and the one thing that she's sure of
are endings of lonely and love.

So here I am
here I am to stay
And there you go
Please don't go away
cuz here i am.

And he tells the story
of a girl just like me
who dreams of fairytales
and a boy who knows that
together's the only place to be.

So here I am
here I am to stay
And there you go
Please don't go away
cuz here i am.

here
the only place to be.

i feel.

i feel like i am beyond all thought. expressing myself is too useless, and apathy always gets in the way. so do words. so do people. so do wishes and love. and even more, not having love. it's all sort of numbing in a way. it's as if i could take off my clothes and not notice. i could get drunk and not notice. i could lose a best friend and not notice. until of course, it's too late. and then, what's another trip to the swimming hole? why not drown yourself in emptiness. why not let people walk all over you? it's all over anyway. and then you laugh because even melodramatics don't help.