death

drowning in a sea of tears and the epitome of forever that just ended. he says he's never leaving. i say that's bullshit. everybody leaves. i'm going insane with the melodies that are being hummed into my ears. love songs are enchanted. they lure little girls into little men's black pits of despair, never to come out again. they just follow the music until they're stuck in a cave forever. that cave is where i am right now. and even if he leaves, the music player will still be going. the ghetto blaster proclaiming that i'm never getting out. ever. fuck. i'm disgusting and disgusted. when he #2 left me, he left with the lights out and the sad songs blaring. if he leaves, it will be worse. because for a second there he actually had me believing that the light at the end of the tunnel was not an oncoming train, but a firefly. and any time the light flickers, i assume it will illuminate ever brighter a few minutes later, buzzing and humming softly around my face. i want to get out. i want to taste the rain and see your face. if you leave, is there any chance i can go with you? is there any way that you could leave the cave and bring me, so we would both be free to love every corner of each other's bodies and faces? with the sun touching every edge and bulging shape and me tracing my fingers along your eyelids. but you probably don't want that.

fuck i want out!!!

they say that multiple exclamation points make a person look unintelligent. i agree. but i'm willing to make myself look like an idiot every once and awhile. idiots get more attention.

i am ugly. at least, that's my guess. in the dark i can't really tell. if you'd just find a way to free me, maybe i could find my face inside your eyelids. i just need out of this goddamn cave named captivity. named naming. hundreds of bats in this prison see things upside down. they all cry out in tones i cannot understand. for all i know, what they see is right. i can't hear their position. and i sure as hell can't see it.

i can't see anyone.

someone please! i really do want to love him. it's all i'm made for.

<3

why the fuck would he not want to be with me forever?

i really do love him. and i'd do anything to prove it.

but he doesn't care. he's not asking.

he calls me blind. maybe that's because i can't fucking see.

=( maybe it's his fault.

and every other goddamn liar that said they were never leaving, and packed their bags when i couldn't see.

i don't know what to do with myself.

besides sleep thorough it all, wait, dream. oh yeah, and listen to this crazy love song.

maybe i should ask for help? would anyone care?

"god help the outcasts, or nobody will".

okay fine. i'm saying it.

HELP ME PLEASE!!! FUCK, SOMEONE!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!! i'm no one. i'm lonely. i NEED YOU!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

blank

i wonder if there's anything i can do. you know, to stop matt from leaving. i mean, i get the impression that some girls do it right and others get used. i don't want to screw up. i want him to love me forever and that's it. but i doubt he wants that, even if he says he's never leaving. i'll bet he's lying. i just don't know how to make him change his mind for serious. but i'm going to figure it out if it's the last thing i do. because, i would never want this to end. ever. and i'm never going to beg anyone.

ever.

mark my words people.

when i tell him i love him, its because i want him to know im never leaving.

flyer

i'm going to explode. i just heard stories from my cousin, all about her sex experiences. it made me want to throw up. i hope not to sleep with anybody unless i think they are never leaving. i really really don't want matt to leave me. what are the chances he's in for the laung haul i'm hoping for? i mean, i'm not a begger. i pretend i am, though. i tell him i'll do whatever he wants and that i'll sleep with him whenever he wants. that's not begging though. it's manipulation, because i don't mean it. i only do what i'm comfortable with. i mean, even now sometimes i'm not comfortable.

i hate the idea of giving head. having sex doesnt sound so bad. but giving head sounds like the epitome of all things sad. that is begging. getting down on your knees and putting someone's you-know-what inside of you. to top it all off, he wouldn't want to do it for me either. so i dont get why he would want me to do it for him. more than that, i wouldnt want him to do it for me. so, i cant imagine why he wouldnt feel guilty about me doing it for him.

i know what the truth is. my parrents dated since they were fifteen and married when they were twenty four. they never dated anyone but each other. i'm hoping for that same success. i mean, i doubt i'll find it. i'm a lot more passionnate thana my parents, and chances are that that means i'll take bigger risks. that being said, if i do find my one true love, it will be better than theirs. i mean, i know i will never stop talking to the person i'm with or stop sleeping with them.

okay. now about sex, i dont understand this attitude that it comes with dating. i think dating and sex are two seperate things. i mean, i'm not saying i think that people shouldn't have sex before they are married. what i am saying is that not having sex before marriage makes a lot of sense. you won't waste your time doing useless shit for ungreatful guys who consider sex to be a "favour". no one will use you then leave. i mean, i get it. at the same time, i like taking chances. and i wouldnt mind gambeling a bit if i thought it made sense. it's just that i dont think the goal of dating is to eventually sleep with someone. that seems to be most people's idea.

personally, i plan to sleep with as few people as possible. hopefully just matt.

the smaller the number, the bigger my success. because that means that i found someone who really likes me who i really likes who actually thinks i'm enough for them and who i think is enough.

i hate the idea of matt going to residence. i hate the way matt's dad talks about "getting laid". i hate that matt views sex as an activity. these are all indications that things aren't going so well as i would hope.

but if i dont want him to leave, i'd better play my hand carefully. honest, open and never begging. just betting and manipulating and loving.

i really do love him. and i really want to be "in" love with him. you know. forever.

beautiful

last night was honestly one of the best in my entire life. i want to say best, but it's kind of just up there. i probably felt the same day when i was ten about family christmases, or when i was just a bit older about singing onstage. i even remember feeling it once last year. and it's hard to compare the feelings and which event was more important. obviously today i say last night. but my ten year old self, having heard about last night would be like "ew!" at the beautiful touching and "ahh!" at the sneaking out late in the dark. my slightly older self would would shake her head. but me today, well, last night felt like the epitome of my existence. him holding me, calling me beautiful. putting himself all over me. imagining sex. his shirt off. mine off. i felt important.

i'm always wondering if he's gong to leave. i still think he's going to. no one can be so wonderful 24/7 and stay. there must be something wrong with him. but it doesn't seem that there is. in the entire two years i've been with him, all i can say is that the only thing wrong seems to be me. there was one point when he didn't call me all summer. i don't see how that's a personality flaw in him. i must have bored him. if he leaves, it will be because i'm not enough. i know i'm not, too. because he is perfect. something bad has got to happen. no one can not dissapoint you. everyboidy is going to. the perfect people just leave though. they can't disappoint you. they can't be less than enough.

but maybe that's all a bunch of bullshit. sometimes i feel like eric is less than enough. he needed drugs. and that whore. and when i sit and think of all those nights of me and him and kayla, i can't help but smile. i wouldn't have given him up for the world. or kayla. i especially wouldnt have given it all up for her and drugs.

you know, she tried to get me to do drugs too. but all she got me was drunk. she dressed me up in black form fitting t shirts and skinny jeans. she gave me makeup and straightened my hair. i looked gorgeous. she talked about maddie like as if she knew her or at least wanted to. she acted like she wanted to be me so that i would want to be her.it didn't work. i mean, in a way it did. she is very likeable. there is no denying that, and i never have. who wouldn't like a person desperate to reach into your world then pull you into theirs forever? no one. but that didn't stop me from liking myself or the person i already was.

that's why i didn't leave. i mean, i can't ever understand eric's decisions because they are his. but i do understand my own. i never did drugs because...brittany wasn't enough to make me want to. i mean, she was a very interesting person, but i had no desire to become her. i wanted to be me.

so i guess i just have to hope that matt likes where he's at.

it's funny though. im always telling matt i dont think i'm good enough. it isn't true. i don't think he thinks i'm good enough. i know i am. i don't have any problems with myself. in fact, i love who i've become. even if it is kinda lonely.

and i guess that's what keeps me going. even when it feels like there's no point. i don't get why other people wouldn't want to be with me.

i would. and i want to be with matt too. and kayla. and all of them. because i dont want to change a thing.

or as jacob would say, i dont wanna miss a thing. <3

punch

its a party and i deserve to be the punch. knocked out and spread wide over a table. stab me i am fucking stupid and he doesnt like me because im an idioit.

he cant come over

FUCK ME I AM SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT. let me tell you why nobody likes me:

i am ugly. i am stupid. i am useless. i am weird. i am fat. i am lame. i am boring. i am bland. i have nothing to say either. all i do is talk about fuck all. i am a whore. i should be shot in the face. or kicked till i die from internal bleeding. or slashed accross the legs until i can't stand. or whipped accross the face.or chopped up with an axe.

OR RIPPED APART.

IM SUCH A FUCKING SLUT

maneater

my head aches like a billion frozen girls dancing with jack frost. he holds their hands and they slip away, like icicles forming under children's drippy noses. i watch from my window. the little boy is holding hands with the little girl too. next thing you know, they're older. summer's happened twice over. the little boy is now fourteen. teasing the girl and running after her he looks up her skirt. she makes a face at him then goes over to her best friend "lyke omigod what a pervv". two more summers. they are having sex under a tree called time and pretty soon time is up, all the leaves wilt and they're laugh with a laughing jack again. but this time, jack is holding a girl slipping out from a woman's eye. all because the man she loved left her for another woman. her tears firm up then fall to the ground. and all she can think is that the man she loved was a little too frosty for her liking anyway. and damn, doesn't that bite?

<3

i love matt more than life itself.

sad.

i guess really, if you left, it wouldn't be any more surprising than it was when he did. but it might hurt more. she is a fucking fag. she won't go to macs milk with me. that's okay. you love me, right? oh wait, no you don't. i can't stand it. putting everything into a person who doesn't love me. it's funny though, because i actually think you kind of do. please i hope so. i think i should be dragged by wild horses, stampeded on and then left to clean up the mess that a few clobbering no ones made for me to step in and slip up on. oh wait. this is nothing more than the epitome of a bunch of words far to karoke for me to sing to. and miles too far gone to be so far away. and girls missing men who weren't ever quite all there in the first place. and more than that, he's still gone. gone is absolutely the worst word in the entire world. its essence speaks of cried-on pillows, mascara stains and a little extra hair in the bathroom draining out from my brain and into my feet. remembering promises. remember the way hearts felt? remember roses? boys and girls holding hands in the rain. that happened to me this year. it was more real because you wanted to. when i held his hand in the rain, we slipped apart, my phone broke, i cried a river of broken dreams and you never fucking called. but i hung on tight because i knew you loved me deep down. its the same now. with you and him. he loves me. right? maybe i'm crazy, but i believe in a higher source of meaning than just whims. passion did not equal frivolous last i checked. last i checked it meant a burning desire to devote. and that's what i got. if it isn't love yet, just feed the flame. burn away at all that i used to be. smoke me into a billion different feelings, almost as bright as me. overflowing with emotive smilies and different languages, spoken in wet tongues. from a boy who wants a girl to suck him off to a girl who can't even spit in his drink. mouths are different for different people and stories spill out of people sometimes in the form of tears. happiness sometimes wears a mask, darker than the stories told from his fucking mouth. why the fuck is he gone? as time ticks away, i start to forget that he was supposed to stay. at least, now that i'm not alone. until i remember that i probably am. my name is written on the sand. where's yours?

pizza

if poetry were pizza, then words would be cheese
and when you wanted extra you'd just say yes please
give me some spice and sugar and everything nice
i am not asian, i do not need to eat rice
to understand that the bland can sometimes be bold
and that some stories are better off never told
like the one about him going off to do drugs
with a tiny pixie and some overgrown thugs
leaving me alone to eat my pizza.