he's back

fuck it.

i miss him.


I LOVE HIM.

i need his kisses. i wont believe it till i touch it.


SMOTHER ME IN FEELING. clear as day.



I love you so fucking much.

some things

there are some things i will never understand. one is the colour blue. another is the fact that i have already thought up all of the metaphors. writing used to be such a release. i used to be so shocked that i could think that way, that i could express myself so fully with words. now i know that i can. i still need to write. but i've started looking for more..

reality isn't always beautiful. sometimes it's boring, simple, plain.

i'm sick of it all. i don't even want to think about it. maybe it wasn't as tragic as i thought. either that or it's so bad that even now i'm not ready to face the sun. either way, i sure am in the dark as to what happened.

not, i wait for a boy to come back. then, i will light a candle.

my depth is being drowned out by hopelessness.

Shake It.

I would never use an exclamation mark unless I was trying to look retarded. Nothing that exciting can possibly mean anything. Look at him. He's off in Vancouver with his cousin. She is fucking retarded. She has his name with an "!" right at the end of it. She is a fucking moron! So is my dad. Normally, I love him to death, but he keeps trying to bond with me while I am writing this. You know what's funny? I used to think that love and how long a person stuck by you were interrelated. You know, like if you love someone you'll stick by them as long as possible, and if you don't you won't bother? That's bullshit. He doesn't love me, but he talks about marrying me. When I bring up "Maid of the Mist", he's all for it. Either that or he lies. I guess what I'm saying is, I don't get why people lie. What do they possibly have to gain from it? I mean, I totally and completely understand white lies. Jeremy says that when I'm around other people, I act differently than I "normally" do. This is probably true, since there are slight exaggerations I pull when I'm around him. I'm more "religious", I care more about acting and I'm not as serious. But, I never lie about important stuff. Never is he confused about what I think of him. Never does he think that he is my best friend (although, sometimes it feels like he is) , but never does he think that I would ever betray him or stop being his friend. He knows I consider him to be of a top priority (right under Matt and Becca). I just don't understand Matt doing the opposite: not changing to impress me, but lying about how he feels about me. I mean, I guess the ultimate way to be would be to be totally and completely honest about our feelings and to not change who we are for anyone. But, if you feel strongly enough about someone, they start to change who you are. It's not so much that you change FOR them, but they change YOU, influence you, mold you. That's what I'm like. I'm not EASILY influenced, because I don't feel things for just anybody. But, when I do pick somebody to be my friend, the intensity of my feelings is insurmountable. Thus, I change. What I don't get is why the fuck Matt would pick me if I'm not enough to make him want to change. And no, I don't want him to change who he is. It's just...it would be nice if he were willing to.

Today, Carla, Jeremy and I had a deep conversation. Jeremy said that the thing he liked least about me was how differently I act towards him around other people (IE Becca). It's funny, because I feel the same way about him. But, that's just normal. People are always influenced by people they care about.

I guess that's where competition comes in.

Everybody wants to be the one with the most influence.

What I don't get is, Matt SAYS I'm the one with the most influence, then he doesn't text me for hours. Or he doesnt....call on time, etc. It's stupid. If I'm not important enough to influence him that much, why does he waste his time telling me that I am?

More than that, it wastes my time.

!

All I want is to look retarded.

Shake it.

And no you faggot. That is not a dirty song. Ya devil.

when

yeah, you know that when i think all
about it, faces seem to blurr
and feelings smear in record time
and i'm not sure what i think of
the forever and something else
that made sure that my phone won't ring.

and even if i'm not sure if
you are still the one that i want
i still wanna be there with you
cuz you were there way way back when

time was something we couldn't take
the good times that we both shared
i tried to run from stolen sand
but now trying to make you remember is
is just to hard
and i miss you way too much for
sitting by while you make the score

and even if i'm not sure if
you are still the one that i want
i still wanna be there with you
cuz you were there way way back when

so they say that i hurt you sometimes, but i know
that you don't really care that much, or you'd just go
and you would just leave me here to wonder why
i don't have time to make sense of trying to try.

and even if i'm not sure if
you are still the one that i want
i still wanna be there with you
cuz you were there way way back when

i can't let you go.

i can't believe that you left. but, i've said that so many times that now it's more unbelievable that i'm still saying it. i want to say it over and over again. i want to rip open old wounds. they hurt once, they can hurt again. sure, i may never be able to restore the smooth supple skin i had before. but i can sure as hell remember the feeling of losing my grip and falling to the ground if i stop standing up. and yeah, i'm done standing. to be honest, i feel like i'm done thinking. i've already thought these things through a billion times. i don't have the time to watch the corruption of yet another teenager. still, what else do i have to do. writing now makes my fingers numb. like the blood isn't quite getting there because it is pouring out of my arms, remeniscing over an old scrape i once got myself into. i'm tired of love. it really is a four letter word. how can something that means so much seem so frivolous, be made to be so empty or appear so shallow. if i hear another cheesy love poem, i'm going to scream. if i see him kiss her one more time on that tv, i'll die. you know why? because that love poem is based on a dream. that kiss never really happened. people are all just trying each other out. that isn't love. give me somebody who is sure that they want to be there forever, that we are all there is, and i'll give you a real love poem. it's funny. the best love poems are the ones that are incomplete. the i-want-to-love-you-but is the most touching message a person can hope for. somebody always lets the other person down. all of my poetry? it's incomplete. because you don't love me back.

where's the meaning in that kind of artistry?


FUCK.

fucking gay ass

i wish i was not gay. hahaha sucka.

seriously. why can't i talk like that?
why doesnt he call?
why did he leave me to go do drugs?

im finding it harder and harder to find a reason to get up in the morning? you know why? because everything is so damn dark out. i dont see anything. i wish it was light out all of the time.

the only light is from your eyes.

and you sleep at night.

so fuck it. or fight it.

im tired of waiting for his call. so im not. all i care about is becca. shes so fun.

im never more myself than i am when im with her.

my nose itches. and time ticks away. counting the seconds. measuring wasted moments.


i miss you but you dont miss me.


that applies to too many people.

fuck you all.
i just love becca.

and chocolate.
and ponies.
and my bunny.

sometimes.

and not the empty times.


call me now?

words

owrds escape me. i cannot remember a time when i did not blog here. a time like that? too cold. now...too bored.


fuck this life shit.

its time for a hug that never ends. im sick of people squeezing me tight and then letting go.


fuck it

I love Matt more than life itself.

HAve you ever felt like you were made for someone? And no, I'm not saying that I believe in soulmates. At least, not for everyone. Or maybe they won't even love you back. He doesn't love me. Still, when I wake up, I know that the entire reason I am alive is to hold him and make him smile.

Does he know?

I sometimes want to kill you.

I sometimes want to kill you.

Fuck you and everything you wish I could be. All of you. Seriously. You can only unlock the chord progressions up until a certain part. Then all that you can hear is "no one cares". I should be fired from this job. I should be dumped as his girlfriend. No one gives a rat's ass. He loves me. and I'm his Daughter. My boyfriend? He needs me.

This world is coming to nothing.

I can't believe that everything I ever waited for, everything I ever hoped for all counts for nothing.

Oh well. Am I really that surprised?


Sunsets all end in dark.

so fuck you. and your job at staples.

or not.

you're coming back.

there's no point in being pissed over something that's going to be over soon. i miss you.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! but im frusterated.

i can't even enjoy the sunset.
I want to rant.

Here goes a list of 43 things I hate about you:

1) your lies
2) your job at staples
3) your freaky stalker sluts by the name of terasita
4) you are a sheep
5) you copy my ideas
6) you pass them off as your own
7) you discredit me
8) you want me to be more insecure than i am
9) fuck that, you know that i'm not but you try to make me be because YOU are so damn scared
10) you are so damn scared
11) you won't tell me that you love me
12) you actually think that you don't love me
13) i bet you want to move to residence
14) i bet you don't think you are going to be with me forever
15) i bet you are lying when you say we are getting married on maid of the mist
16) you think maid of the mist is overrated
17) i haven't kissed you in DAYS
18) you make me do stuff i don't want to do
19) you act like you are sorry for it
20) you don't do stuff for me
21) you don't care if i'm crying
22) you act like i'm an island
23) you don't understand my roof
24) you talk about me like i'm just like everybody else in your pathetic life
25) you don't care that the fucking staples people won't let you text me
26) i bet that they do let you text me
27) you don't bother trying to find a way of texting me anyway - like FUCK! does staples not have a bathroom?
28) you are talking to other girls in vancouver
29) you always think you need more sleep than me
30) you think your problems/goals are more important than my thoughts
31) you act like i'm a chore
32) you never seem to want me
33) you always make me beg
34) you don't apologize when we fight
35) you hang up and don't call back when you are really mad
36) you don't think drugs are that bad
37) you don't care about love
38) you like to be alone
39) this list is really easy to make
40) i bet you aren't even thinking of me right now
41) i'll bet you'll leave me in the end
42) you don't even think i should trust you, do you?
43) if you are too scared to love me, why the fuck are you still here?

now 43 things that i do like (even though right now im a little bit furious about staples).

1) your eyes
2) that you write
3) that you write because of me
4) that last night you were like "i want to be a psychologist" - as if you hadn't stolen the idea off of me
5) the way you tell me that im good enough
6) the way you hold me when im crying
7) the times that you do call back
8) the times i tell you to fuck yourself and go die and you just sit there
9) that you've only sworn at me once
10) the way you listen when i tell you my parents are hurting me
11) that you say we are getting married on maid of the mist
12) that you say you are going to be with me forever
13) that you are coming back from vancouver
14) that you are buying me a necklace
15) i love you
26) you love me (even if you don't know it)
27) i'm the best friend you've ever had in your life
28) that you put me first
29) that you cried after that time that you hurt my feelings
30) that you didnt mean to hurt my feelings
31) that you want to be with me forever
32) that you actually do think i'm good enough
33) that you think i'm pretty (even though you told me that compared to other people i'm "average")
34) that you don't think i'm "average", because in your mind, you DON'T compare me to other people
35) i'm the most important person in your life
36) you took the phone to vancouver
37) you got me those pink glasses
38) you listen
39) you are my best friend
40) you give me something to think about
41) i trust you more than anybody.
42) you wouldn't like anybody else.
43) you like that i'm a gypsy.

Ughh. why was the first list easier to write?

Oh yeah .


because I'm still waiting for a fucking text.


FUCK!

ughhhhhhhh.


love is so liquid.

i can't hang on to it. but i need it, or else everything's just too fucking dry.


water my garden?

no?


FUCK.


at least text <3

i love you.


why is my art more like grafitti today? poisinous and vulgar.

bullshit.

i love sheryl. i hate that she's my family. family is retarded. i love love. i hate false love.

some people wouldnt love me if we werent related. that is not family. that's unfortunate ancestry.


people i love: ( the top ten, regardless of familial relations):

1) Matt
3) Becca
4) Carla
5) Jeremy
6) Sheryl
7) Hari
8) Nana
9) Saira
10) Mom

Everyone else can just go fuck themselves.

Unless I just forgot you, or didn't put you to make a point or something. In that case, sorry.

Ughh this entry is crap.

Time to Try again.

PS I love you too, because you named dog<3 .

filtered

this blog is somewhat filtered. nah, blogs can't be filtered. sensored, anything. matt is leaving me for a job at staples. i work too. i hate it. i hate kayla. i hate becca. i love jeremy. i hate things that are supposed to take me away from my boyfriend. like family vacations. i love things that are not supposed to, but serve as great distractions anyway. like chocolate ice cream. i love men. i love ice cream. i love flowers. but i wont tell you what kind. at least not until he's back <3.

bullshit

i don't know what to do. today i started doing that thing that jacob hoggard used to do. i wrote 4 pages of pure, unprocessed thought. still, something nags at the back of my brain. in the front of my lips, i speak the words. he left. he is taking me for granted. he isn't calling. he hardly texts. in the nighttime, words we used to speak echo through my mind, clouding the already blackened sky with a horrible defeat and surrender. another guy is kind of cute. too bad i can't love him. love is a word made only for me and matt. but, you know that feeling where you don't want to be alone, so you'd be willing to be with just about anybody? i feel that way now. some may call it desperate, but i don't i call it lonely. besides, even if it were desperate, what's wrong with a little desperation? people are like animals, chasing after tails that they will never reach, that will do them no good. why? because it's hard. they want a challenge. i'm not a moron. i'm different than most people. i'd rather lay down and suntan. i'm not a retarded cat. then again, i guess i do my fair share of trying. that time i half sucked him off. that time i offered to be his friend with benefits (two years ago), that time i called over and over again. you know, it's hard to know when desperation and lonliness goes from being real and raw to being just like everyone else. in a way, it's more honest, because it expresses a longing for a particular feeling. in another way, it's just another wild goose chase. i want out. for too long i've been waddeling after my own puffy tail. sure, i may be honest in admitting it's not getting me anywhere. sure, that may set me apart from the others. but, when all's said and done, I'm still a silly goose. where is mother goose to help me out? i miss stories that i could identify with. stories about people going through things worse than i am. now i know it's mainly their fault. problems do not create themselves. trying to solve things that are better off left alone is the only problem i can see for miles around. it's just that people are so goddamn bored these days. what the fuck are we supposed to do if nothing is broken? i'll tell you what. break it. we all need to be fixing something.

To Start With

She stands alone, with her feet slightly apart and
she waits for a reason for her love still to stand.
Not moving makes her legs feel stiff, she longs to run.
Looking down at her jeans, she laughs at the word "fun".
He put that word there, so it means nothing when he
is gone away for three weeks. How the heck is she
supposed to have any of it when he was all
the "fun" she ever wanted. She waits for the call
at one in the morning, not sure if answering
will be better than letting it just ring and ring
drowning out the feeling of being alone, to
let lonely feel like not such a bad thing to do.
Still, she picks up, because in the end, you're her reason to start with.

Our Last Slice of Pie

I think I have a bug bite on the inside of my ear. Whenever I itch it (or try and get earwax out of it), it feels kind of swollen. I think I have an infection in my mouth. I haven't brushed in days. I think my arm is going to bruise. Carla pinches like a crab or steroids. I think I'm going to roll over and die. I can't believe he's gone.

I wonder how he'll like Vancouver without me there? Will he realize that ALL hair feels soft, that all kisses can turn into breathing and that all girls have something interesting to say? I'm not the most amazing person out there, and I know it. Does that matter?

What will I find out? Will I see that there are other reasons to get up in the morning? That some people are less afraid to love? Will I give up?

Never.

I don't care how wrong I am, ever. What's always been more important is making things right. No matter how wrong they are to start with.

So go ahead. Go to Vancouver. That will just make me want you around even more.

You'll never stop me. I love you, and love is all I need.





Oh yeah, and a van with a sink <3. And music. And hugs.


And that last big hug in our last slice of pie.





This month is all for you baby.


Especially because you're gone.


I'm counting the moments on my pants, and I can't wait for you to make your mark again. I see the world through rose coloured glasses, but only because it's the world you gave me.

Abbotsford is a place I never want to be.

I'll read this to you when you get back. Then, we'll get my necklace, hug forever and I'll take you for a drive and show you my novel.


Then ask if we are still forever, even though you moved for three weeks.





Don't worry. My ear will be fine, I have a toothbrush at home and Carla is a great little sister.


Just like you are coming back to stay <3

his last day

i'm not sure if it's his last day or if it's mine. to be honest, people are constantly telling me that i can't live my life this way. i'm like that hillary duff song "trying to fit a square into a circle was my life". that feels kind of like me. except, i'm not a square. i am a triangle. one side passion, one side longing and another side love. i'm sick and tired of trying to make sense of it all. the steady mockery of people who fall, liars and scaredy cats. to be honest, i've probably been those people too, in a few instances. it's just that, being myself isn't as raw as i hoped it would be. it's more lonely than raw. nobody understands me. and no. i'm not someone who says that nobody understands them, but if they asked around a bit they'd see they are not alone. i'm the type of person who constantly expresses her feelings, only to hear an enthusastic HUH?!?! in reply. i'm sick of it. i mean, you know when you talk to someone for so long that the relationship feels dry? i don't know if i want that, or if i want that to never happen. i am a gypsy. many would say that requires a longing to be alone. they would be wrong. as i gypsy, i may not have a home, but i'll take what i can get. and that includes his heart.

why the fuck is he leaving for vancouver?

and what now?

.

there was a time

once upon a time, i was different. i wanted to be wild, carefree, passionate, real and spontanious. i wanted to be somebody worthy of listening to. i wanted to be me. then. i became. it's just sort of funny, because i couldn't imagine anything less fulfilling than fulfilling your destiny. apparently, i am meant to sit here in this dark room forever. apparently he is meant to go to vancouver. apparently, i'm meant to mope over situations that are actually perfectly fine. i don't know. sometimes i think i waste my life. other times, i think that life is a waste. it's hard to tell which is which. the differences are so subtle between the two. once, i read a bathroom stall scrawl that said "sometimes i look for meaning in all of the wrong places". i think that is definitely me. i just miss the time when there was a whole new world i hadn't yet explored. one where people kissed boys, had sex, did drugs and drank their nights away. now i know of that world, and i can honestly say that while it may be more real, it doesn't make me feel any different. i'm still me. ever since that fateful day last year when i sat next to becca on the bus, my whole world has gone down the drain, leaving me with no one but myself to deal with. that's why i can't stand him going to vancouver. i'll have to cope with myself. it's funny. i thought this new lifestyle would lead me to love and fun forever. boy oh boy was i ever naieve. i love matt. i just wish he we take me more seriously. i don't have time. we don't have time. who knows when one of our moronic selves will steal away forever and leave me with no "us"? once you already have fun, and love, you get lost. if you have no center, if you are all soul and heart, you don't know who you are. the thing is, i don't want to be me anyway. i want to get out.

help.

oreos

oreos shouldn't have a center. to be honest, i prefer the chocolate coverings that shield your taste-buds from the awful creamy nothing that's inside. seriously, what is that stuff made of? it tastes like shit. that's why i don't like oreos, but i do like mini oreos and oreo ice cream. the mini ones have hardly any center and the ice cream is drowning in something far better than their core. maybe that's the way he wants me to be. is that bad? i have no idea. but the thing is, i'm not really an oreo to begin with, so he doesn't need to bother. i'm more of a chocolate supreme sundae. forget the outsides or the gross centers. i'm all soul.

let me see it

maybe it's a lot to ask for
a person that i could call mine
maybe it's too much to hope for
someone who isn't less or more

than what i'm needing in you now
than what i'm hoping for all night
in these hours when i cannot sleep
and all i'm trying to do is see your
face

me now, the moonbeams light you up
showing me your smile and your lips
i never thought i'd find someone
whose words burn hotter than the sun
or

than what i'm needing in you now
than what i'm hoping for all night
in these hours when i cannot sleep
and all i'm trying to do is see your
face

and maybe there is someone else who wouldn't run
from love or from telling me that i'm the only one
that they would ever want to be with, but you just won't
though i think that you love me, you say that you don't
at least, not any more

than what i'm needing in you now
than what i'm hoping for all night
and in those hours when i cannot sleep
all i'm trying to do is see your
face

just let me see it
oh, please let me see it

the rules of being a gypsy

1) follow your feelings
2) trust your blogs (and treat other good blogs with reverence and careful consideration)
3) have no other rules

fear

i called him again. he was out with a friend - when he told me he couldnt come to my BBQ. i don't know what im doing wrong. probably nothing. it has come to my attention that no matter how much i care about a person, the feeling i get back isnt much more than appreciation of MY feelings and company. they don't actually care back.

i called the other guy too, from way back when. he hung up on me. i wanted him to tell me what it is that makes people turn and run.

i swear to gosh, i'm constantly right on the edge of something meaningful, but then i get pushed the wrong way.

help.

i'm back

enough of this fucking retarded attempt to make sense of the unsensiable. you shouldn't go. period. end of discussion. but if you are going, would it hurt to take me with you? think of me? talk to me? remember me? miss me? want me? you owe me a lot more than a half-assed hello. yes, buddy i said it. OWE. you belong to me as much as i belong to you. i'm sick and tired of doing everything you want without being asked and then, having to DEMAND the same from you. although, i suppose you could say the same about me: that you are sick of never asking for anything and then being asked for the world. if you're not ready to give, why are you ready to take? don't you get that i don't actually think i'm below you? i just want you to put everything into this. so, i do first. that doesn't mean that i don't expect anything in return. screw this "i'm scared" shit. to be honest, it's about time YOU took some responsibility for this vacation. i shouldn't be the one worrying. you should be the one counting the stars at night to see if the big dipper is still a part of the milky way. i'm tired of astronomy, and i'm tired of trying to predict the unpredictable. this isn't my job. it's up to you to make sure the moon comes up after you take away the sun. if you don't, it's not just the moon that's left alone. the whole world is in the dark. and yeah bud, that includes you.

take the time to love me.