I kind of feel.

I kind of feel like a loser.

Last night, when I was walking around with Kayla, I did my best to forget you. I wanted to feel like I was a person even if you stabbed me in the back. It's too bad Jeremy's being so mean to me too. Because while you were in Vancouver, I actually handeled things pretty well. I built my life with him instead.

I would be fine if we broke up.

I am like a leech. I would find another guy in a second. Latch on to him. Suck him. Of his blood, mind, heart, soul...until he too couldn't take it any more and left me for some other girl that let him be free.

People can't stand being understood. So I guess I understand why you hurt me.

You told me yourself.

I can't wait to go there and have superficial conversations. You know. About hair and clothes.

How much more blunt could you have been? You might as well have said:

I'm sick of this intimacy. I'm sick of this closeness. I don't want it.

It hurts. But I know that that is the honest truth.


Don't worry. You'll find her next year. The one with the hair and the clothes?

Me? I'll probably never find another leech to love me back.

The world is full of superficial. But there isn't really enough heart, mind and soul to sustain a relationship between two leeches. The world is basically soul-less. Boring. And mind numbingly uncaring.


So fuck it.

Well, not really.

Because I am still up at six am. Maybe I'll never sleep again.


Maybe I'm even more like Becca than I thought. She never sleeps. She has a thing. The only difference is, I don't drink.

The one time that I did get drunk, though, I didn't like it. I didn't like it because I couldn't articulate my thoughts and feelings while I was drunk. That's when I figured it out. That my thoughts, my words, my expressions, were all expressions of my emotions.

People that I had met before who had gotten drunk, told me it numbs your feelings. They told me that drinking made you unable to think.

They lied.

I felt the same as ever. I just couldn't express it.

Maybe to some people, a lack of self-expression leads to a lack of feeling. Maybe they actually can supress their feelings of anger, resentment and fear by simply not talking about something. Or by simply putting it out of their minds.

I am not one of those people.

Or maybe it's because most people are not as fluent with language as I am in the first place. Maybe they don't care to express themselves anyway. Maybe the vast majority of their self-expression takes place in their own minds. So when they are drunk, they become no one. Like a Stargirl meditation. They become one with the world. Because they can no longer express themselves to themselves.

Self-loathing governs everyone. They don't want to know themselves.

Me, I do. I could never get drunk again. I am no Becca.

And if I did get drunk, it would be for a different reason.



I need your arms around me right now. All that I want is to forget.

Did you know that the birds are always up so fucking early?
I wonder if they have things that keep them from sleeping too.

Maybe every time a chickadee chips, he is actually talking bad about his girlfriend. The sound keeps up the ravens, crows and even the doves. Nobody can sleep.

But I guess that doesn't mean that I actually want to talk about it. Sometimes thinking about it. Sometimes expressing something, if only to myself, is enough.

Handsome in an I.

It must be hard for the hero. Saving damsels in distress who aren't their problem anyway.

At least, not until they've tried to help. And then, they are stuck. Stuck saving the same person for the rest of their lives.



Yet, they all seem to manage to live happily ever after. Good thing that they are able to pick out the right damsel on sight - the one that they want to love and protect forever.



Thank God for love at first sight <3 .

Back Again

Hello.
It's me.
Did you know that I am back to say goodbye?

Hello.
It's me.
The one who said she'd never make you cry.

I can see that it's gunna be
a lot harder than I thought.
But I know that it woulda been
worse if I'd forgot.

Greetings.
To you.
I came all the way to say I'm sorry.

Greetings.
To you.
Sorry for ending this long lost story.

I can see that it's gunna be
a lot harder than I thought.
But I know that it woulda been
worse if I'd forgot.

Goodbye.
To you.
My used to be lover and my best friend.

Goodbye.
To you.
We'll be together until the end.

But.
I think it's over now.

Don't tell me.

Don't tell me what is taking place. The grass is always greener. The other's always keener. I heard once that love is never equal. But maybe I am bound to always think that he is being unfair, while he sits around moping at me.

The grass is always greener on MY side.

This is how I feel.

This is how I feel about you.
Like lemon in a meringue pie.
This is how I feel about you.
Like dark in a blue sky.
This is how I feel about you.
Like handsome in an I.

Hellosh

Birds sing-along to your voice.
I love you in the morning.

Sunshine hugs your shoulders.
I love you in the afternoon.

Pieces of stars lace your eyes.
I love you all night.

What.

Do you do.
When all that you can think about.
Is you.
And me?

What do you do
when you know that topic is old?
And that story's been many times over told?

It's over.
My heart is further.

But still, I keep reaching backwards?

Because I don't think that time should be able to re-write love.
Even though,
clearly it can.

I would like to think that our names are written in the stars forever.
Natalia's comet and Eric's star.
Natalia's moon and Maddie's sun.
Eric's Saturn and Natalia's rainbow.
Matthew K's forever and Natalia's tomorrow.
Natalia's cloud, her soft place to fall.

But,
getting grounded,
everything is much more boring than that.

And the sky seems so far away.
Am I only dreaming?

Because it seems like right now, the only person that I love is Handsome Boy.
And that's great.
But, it does make me wonder:

How long does forever last?

Sunday Morning.

Hi Handsome Boy =)

I love you and I'm sure you are having a great trip! I am so glad you went here instead of going to Vancouver. You are the nicest most caringest boy in the world.

I know that I am your cute little bunny too <3

And we are tripple dating on Friday with Carla, Morgan, Sajra and Jacob (Sajra's new guy). Carla also says that she enjoys that she enjoys your support in everything.

I love you.

I also know that are meant to be together forever. I am also very glad that you are coming home soon.

I have also for sure decided to quite mine job. I also buyed two new shirts while you were gone and lipgloss from walmart.

But I wish you were here. And I can't wait to see you <3

Love you forever,

<3 Pretty Girl

PS 3...2....1 HUG!!!! <3
PPS I love you.

Saturday Night.

Hey Handsome Boy :)

I love you.

You are gorgeous. Handsome. Perfect. And SOOOO nice. I cannot believe how lucky I am, to have you in my life and in my heart.

My day was actually pretty good. I had to pack for the move from 12-5 though. I literally didn't take a single break. I didn't even eat anything during that time. I just packed my stuff.

After that, I wanted to take a shower. But, the bathroom had just been freshly painted! So, I wasn't allowed to go there. So, Carla and I got into our bikinis, grabbed towels, soap and shampoo and washed ourselves outside with the garden hose. It was great. One day we should try that. It's super fun haha :P

After that, I hunted down Jeremy's new house. It was a lot easier to do that you might have expected, too. All that I had to do to find it was phone his house and ask his sister for the address. Lol, it worked like a charm.

Me and him explored around his neighbourhood. It was a lot of fun.

But Yeah, I really do wish that you were here with me. This is the second night in a row that I have to go through an entire night without hearing your voice before I go to bed,.,,

I want to talk to you. I want to hear about your day. I want to hear about your trip. I want to know about how you are feelign.

I love you so much.

Oh well.
Until tomorrow? <3 ;)


I love you,

Pretty Girl <3

PS 3...2...1 HUG!
PPS Dark blue! Dark blue! Have you ever been alone in a crowdy room? <3 =)

Friday night.

Hey Handsome Boy =)

This first night without you has been very hectic. You would never believe what Morgan did to Carla...

Okay, so we showed up at the Sam Roberts concert. Me, Carla and Sajra. And we tracked down Morgan. And there he was with that other girl.

She didn't look exactly the way that I had imagined her, but her expression was the same. She looked smug. She looked like she thought the whole thing was funny.

I wanted to give Carla and Morgan some space to sort out their issues so, I pulled Sajra and Karina away from them. Then, I essentially told Karina that she wasn't wanted and she left....This was great...until Morgan left with her.

Yeah. I know, right?

You were totally right about everything you said about him on the phone today. He is a jerk.

Anyway, I'll tell you the full story later, when we are in person and I can vividly express to you all of the heartbreaking details (along with all of the hilarious ones...and there were a few. I said a bunch of funny things during this war.)


I cannot believe this. I cannot believe what Morgan did to Carla....


Now I would like to express to you how lucky I think I am to have you. I think you are the best boyfriend ever. <3 I am so glad we are together forever. I love you.

I wish you were here. I like your hugs. I like to talk to you....Don't worry. I'm sure you will have a great time with your mom and uncle...Even though I kind of hope you won't have too much fun. because I want you to miss me =P Lol

Anyway, I love you forever. I will think of rainbows tonight =)

Love,

<3 Pretty Girl

PS 3.....2....1.....BIG HUG! (I hugged you and you didn't even know it <3 )
PPS...you are the gold at the end of my rainbow<3 xox